Prison guards are supposed to be unflappable - after
all, they keep the order amid hundreds or thousands of inmates. But they
probably weren’t expecting a riot over hot sauce! Here are some of the
craziest things prison guards ever saw on the job.
There aren’t too many joys in prison, and if there’s
one thing most inmates look forward to, it’s lunch. So one guard was on
duty when it was pork chop day in a Tennessee cafeteria, and everyone
was excited. Except the prison didn’t get supplied properly, and they were going
to run out before the end of the line. How to handle this? Another guard
just yelled out to the back of the line that they were getting
bologna instead - and a riot broke out! Maybe they were rushing the
front of the line, maybe they were just expressing their anger, but
the result was a six-hour lockdown and ten people taken to the infirmary!
But in prison, you’ve got to take the laughs where you can get them.
A prison guard at Winston Green in Birmingham was used
to dealing with hard-boiled characters. Most guys there weren’t the
type you’d talk to, let alone share a joke with. Then there was Fred, a
jovial fellow who seemed to be at ease with his place in life. The guards
started looking forward to escorting him places, because Fred would
usually crack some funny jokes on the way. It was easy for them to forget
that he was actually Fred West, one of the most notorious killers in
Britain’s history, who had committed at least twelve killings with his wife!
But at least the county jail is easier…right?
Most of the people in county are there awaiting trial
or serving short-term sentences, so at least you’re likely to be safe
there. Well, assuming you’re not near any particularly unstable inmates,
at least. A guard told one inmate he couldn’t take a shower, so the inmate
reacted the only logical way - drinking his shampoo. Needless to say,
that was not a good thing for his digestive system, as he was soon
alternating vomiting with frequent trips to the toilet with horrible
diarrhea. It was enough for the roommate of the guard to swear off ever
winding up in jail! But it wasn’t the worst thing a guard encountered.
One man knew his father worked as a prison guard, but
quit abruptly one day. He never knew why - until he asked his mother years
later. The prisoners were allowed to keep a hotplate in their cells
for heating food, which doesn’t seem like a good idea in the best of
times. Dad was doing his guard duties, when he was suddenly splashed
in the face with a boiling liquid and had to be rushed to the hospital
with burns. He made a full recovery, but to add insult to injury, it
wasn’t soup or coffee - it was the inmate’s pee that he had heated up for
a foul assault.
Prisoners will try to get their little pleasures anyway
they can - even when it’s not very effective.
One prisoner coming in was a rather portly guy. He got
the standard strip search to make sure he wasn’t smuggling any contraband,
but the prison guards were a little suspicious. He had a lot of fat
rolls, and some of them seemed to be sitting rather oddly on his gut. So
the guard lifted up one of those fat rolls - and no doubt got a whiff
of sweat - and found that it wasn’t just fat tissue hiding there. It was
some contraband cigarettes - and not just a pack. A full
carton! Maybe he finally kicked the habit while he was behind bars.
And if the guards don’t find something, maybe the inmates
will.
Drug smuggling is a big business in prison, and when
new inmates come in, the other inmates are very interested in them.
You never know what they might be carrying - in some very
uncomfortable places. It’s common for inmates to try to smuggle bags of
drugs up their butts, and wait for them to be, um, naturally
evacuated. But some other inmates didn’t want to wait when they were
suspicious, so they attempted to get the goods out of the new fish by
performing a plastic bottle enema. The guards broke it up, and the
unfortunate inmate? Nothing up there.
In prison, it doesn’t take much for things to get out
of control.
When a man was working his first day as a prison guard,
he was quickly called to a riot scene. Was it in the gym? In the
lunchroom? No, it was the most dangerous place of all - the
library. One inmate had his book stolen, and got the word from
another inmate about the culprit. Except the culprit was actually
the informer, and he targeted an enemy of his. Sure enough, the
wrongly-blamed man got beaten badly, and it escalated into two groups
of inmates attacking each other. But hey, at least no one gave away any
spoilers.
But sometimes, the inmates can be surprisingly
wholesome.
A female prison guard was working in a men’s prison,
which must have been a high-intensity job. So one day, when a group
of inmates asked the guard to come with them, she was naturally
suspicious - but she could handle herself, so she decided to see what was up.
They took her to her office - and presented her with a birthday cake they
had gotten after finding out her special day was coming up. She had a
slice and enjoyed the gesture, but that raised one big question - how the
heck did those guys manage to get ahold of a big birthday cake?
But that’s the exception, and most days in prison are
incredibly intense for both the inmates and the guards.
Prison isn’t a healthy environment for mental
stability, but one inmate went downhill surprisingly fast. He was a quiet
guy who was doing a short stint for a minor offense, and seemed to
just want to keep his head down. But one day he got into a fight, and
that made something snap. He became aggressive to both the inmates and the
guards, started smearing filth on the walls, and loudly singing
nursery rhymes like a comic book villain. He was soon taken away for
mental observation, and never returned to the prison. Did he go insane?
Or did he find a way to serve out his sentence in a safer place like a
psych ward?
Not all inmates make good choices behind bars.
One inmate suffered a head injury in prison, and had to
be taken to the hospital for an exam. There was just one problem -
he wouldn’t consent to be cuffed and taken to the hospital. Instead, he
insisted that his death was a foregone conclusion and told the guards to
tell his family he loved them. He became more aggressive with the
guards - until he suddenly passed out from his head injury and was rushed
to the hospital. He nearly died from the bleeding to the brain, and
everyone around him was more than a little freaked out.
And sometimes, you get a warning at exactly the right time.
A young man was considering working as a prison guard,
and got the opportunity to shadow a guard at the county prison. This place
was known for having a prison for the mentally disturbed, and these
inmates were usually segregated. But that didn’t stop their voices from
carrying. As the teenager was patrolling the floor, he heard one
inmate yelling about the secret truth that the government didn’t want you
to know - that the department store Sears was actually a robot that
was going to rise up and destroy the country. The teenager decided to look
into another career.
And it wasn’t the only questionable choice an inmate
made.
It was the week leading up to Christmas, and that’s not
a very cheerful time for the incarcerated. One inmate wanted to be transferred
to the special housing unit, where it would be easier for his family
to visit - so he decided to walk up to a guard and deliberately
injure himself. He was taken off-site for medical treatment - but he was
also given a psych examination, because cutting yourself usually
doesn’t indicate mental stability. Instead of going to the prison near his
family, he wound up at a mental health facility even further away.
And boredom can make inmates do crazy things.
A guard was patrolling the common room when he noticed
something odd- two inmates were repeatedly hitting the electrical outlets,
hard enough to make sparks come out of them. Each time the sparks
flew, they would hold a piece of paper up to the outlet and let the sparks
light it on fire before extinguishing it. This little game was
continuing until they got bored - or until they accidentally started a
fire that would burn down the entire prison. Needless to say, the
guards quickly interrupted this and they had to find a new way to pass the
time.
One prison guard had a terrifyingly close encounter
that turned out surprisingly well.
The year was 1997, and he was working as a guard in a
local jail that had fallen into disrepair. It only had one elevator that
was old and unreliable, and one day it broke down with the guard in
it - along with thirteen convicted felons, who many of which were
murderers. Suddenly, the guard was outnumbered and unarmed with
some of the most dangerous people in the prison - but they were smart to
understand that this wasn’t a good situation for them either. They
boosted the guard out of the elevator through the roof so he could go and
get help.
And one guard bluffed his way to success.
It’s not just the inmates guards have to be on the
lookout for - its people trying to smuggle things into the prison. One
guard saw a mule throwing bags of drugs over the prison walls, and
gave chase. When they confronted each other, the smuggler reached for his
hip as if he had a gun - and the officer remembered he was unarmed. If
he gave that away, he was at the smuggler’s mercy. So he reached for his
hip as well, hoping it spooked the smuggler - and it did! He surrendered
immediately, and the item he was reaching for? A cell phone to call for
backup.
Another guard wound up protecting Canada’s most wanted.
There are tiers in prison, and some inmates are more
well-liked than others. If you belong to a gang or have a reputation
as a rough-and-tumble robber, you’ll probably be seen as a leader. But
if you’re someone who preys on the innocent - like serial killer Paul
Bernardo - the odds are you’ll have a lot of people out for your
blood. So many people in the prison wanted to kill Bernardo
that a team of guards was assigned to him at all times to fend off
attacks. Bernardo seemed pretty calm about the whole thing, but being
assigned to protect a monster was particularly stressful for the guards.
There’s one area of the prison where there is more
potential for trouble than anywhere else.
Ah, the shower. It was awkward enough when you were in
school and you had to worry about snapping towels. But in prison,
you’re naked and surrounded by fellow inmates. One guard was standing
outside with twelve inmates showering, when another inmate walks in -
fully clothed - and picks a fight with a naked man in the shower. As the
only guard on duty at the time, the guard would have had to break up
a big pile of naked guys - but fortunately, the attacker backed off
when he saw other guards arriving. What he didn’t know was that they were
trainees and not allowed to get involved in fights, but what he doesn’t
know won’t hurt him.
Sometimes, prisons are home to some truly eerie events.
How many cities have supposedly haunted prisons? A lot.
Not only do inmates die behind bars regularly, but any prison with a death
row will likely have a few more ghosts running around. But some
hauntings are well-documented than others. One officer was on night duty
at around 2 AM when he saw an inmate heading to the showers - long
after the prison was locked down for the night. He talked to another
inmate who said they saw the same man - and the descriptions both
matched those of a Native American inmate who had died in the prison years
ago. A young Native inmate even claimed he woke up one night to
see the man at the foot of his bed.
But are other supernatural forces at work in prisons?
Demonic possession is a hotly debated topic - although
there are enough exorcists out there who insist its true - but one guard
claimed he experienced it first-hand. A woman was in prison for a
minor charge of driving without a license, but she was sure she was
innocent. So sure, instead, that she began clawing at her arms
and drawing blood until she was taken to the crisis center. She made wild
false accusations, faked seizures, and eventually just started
screaming incoherently like a demon while she was being restrained. A
woman possessed - or a woman who really wanted a transfer out of gen pop?
But it doesn’t take demons to make inmates do truly
disturbing things.
One of the few outside contacts some inmates have is
with their attorneys, who bring them key pieces of evidence for the trial
for them to study. Two inmates found alternative uses for some of these
documents, though - they smuggled the crime scene photos of their victims
back to their cells. They would call staff members over to
their cells - and then flash the pictures of their murder victims to
shock and horrify them. It was an effective way to intimidate the guards, but
we’re guessing it didn’t help them much when it was time to play
remorseful in court.
But some inmates use more subtle tactics to torment the
guards.
A guard worked in a segregation unit for the most disturbed
and dangerous inmates in the prison, and one of the first things he was
told was to not let any personal info slip to the inmates. They have
all the time in the world and nothing to do but think, so
they’ll remember anything they hear - and it’ll come back to haunt
you. Sometimes they’ll feign interest and ask oddly personal
questions. Other times, they’ll make deeply intimate and terrifying
threats. And once they know your name, they can get to the prison computers
- and look up anything extra they might want to know. The next thing you
know, you’re in a scene right out of Silence of the Lambs, with Hannibal
manipulating Clarice from behind a cell.
And some inmates don’t know when to quit.
One inmate came in with a relatively minor sentence -
and ready to fight. He would pick fights with inmates, and soon escalated
to guards. He became known as the most dangerous inmate of the
prison, and would tamper with his door and try to attack guards as they
passed by. In-prison punishments like segregation didn’t seem
to faze him, and he wound up being charged with additional crimes
that extended his segment - all the way to more than a hundred years
to be served consecutively, making him a lifer with nothing to lose.
Of course, some prisoners just want to have fun…Holidays in
prison aren’t usually a festive event. No presents to be had and Saint
Nick isn’t paying a visit. And there are certainly no Easter baskets
in spring. But one inmate wanted to keep things light - so he gave
everyone a unique Easter greeting. On the holiday morning, he
stripped naked, grabbed a toilet brush and inserted the handle all the way
up his butt until the handle was firmly stuck. This left only the
bristle end sticking out - and he proceeded to hop around the prison
yelling that he was the Easter Bunny as the guards chased him! One inmate
found out the hard way that his actions had consequences.
An inmate who was HIV positive and felt like he had
nothing to lose had a twisted MO for his time in prison - he would try
to give people HIV any way he could. He would even try to fill
plastic pen tubes with blood and stab people with them. One day, he
was in the infirmary when he broke a light, cut himself, and threatened to
infect anyone who came near him. So the guards on duty simply…didn’t.
They waited outside until the inmate calmed down, and when they came
in, they were shocked to see that he had bled out. While the
guards were all reprimanded for not interfering in time to save his life, no
one was fired - after all, they were told they would be attacked if they
did.
There’s one job that prison guards likely dread more
than any other.
That would be the good old’ cavity search, which every
inmate has to undergo when they come in. It’s a safety measure to
make sure no one is bringing in any contraband or weapons, but that
doesn’t mean anyone enjoys it. Guards are used to finding everything from
knives, to bags filled with supplies, to even guns - but one guard
certainly wasn’t expecting to find a dead mouse hiding up there. What
would possess an inmate to smuggle a dead mouse up their butt? Maybe
they were mentally ill - or maybe they just wanted to give the guard an
unpleasant surprise.
And it’s not the only case where mental illness makes inmates
do crazy things.
Some inmates are considered so unstable that they can’t
be trusted with anything they could use to hurt themselves. They’re given
a paper gown instead of standard clothes, only eat food with their
fingers so they don’t need utensils, and are watched around the clock by
guards. One guard watched an inmate for twelve hours as he
saved a piece of bread from his meal - and proceeded to slowly do obscene
things to the same piece of bread over the entire shift. No confirmation
on whether these disgusting acts inspired the movie Sausage Party.
It wasn’t the only time food created…strong feelings.
What’s the oddest way a riot ever broke out at a
prison? It may just relate to…hot sauce. A therapy dog handler would
bring a dog named Cooper to prison once a week - and turned down
frequent offers to smuggle things. The prison had two rival gangs, and one
day there were two smears of homemade hot sauce on the ground. The
dog walked between them, licked one of the two sauces off the ground - and
one group of inmates started chanting “Cooper is South Side!” This
chant spread across the prison, and the entire facility was locked down to
prevent a gang riot. The true victim here? Cooper, who was banned from
the prison due to possible gang affiliations! And when inmates go to war,
they’ll use anything they have on hand.
A woman who worked at a medium-security prison observed
that giving inmates more privileges can often lead to more problems. At
this prison, inmates were each given a key to their own cell, although
the prison as a whole was locked down tight. But giving each inmate their own
pointy metal object turned out to be a bad idea - when two inmates put the
key in between their knuckles and punched each other, creating
makeshift stab wounds. By the time the guards got there, the common room
was covered in blood. The prison no doubt started to look into key cards
- oh, wait, those can be broken into shards.
And even in minimum security prisons, you never know
what’ll happen.
Who goes into minimum-security prisons? Usually non-violent
offenders, first-time offenders, and white-collar criminals who aren’t
seen as a threat to anyone. They’re usually given a lot more freedom
and activities, and the authorities assume they’ll behave responsibly. At
least, that’s the hope - it didn’t work out that way for one inmate who
felt he was being treated far too slowly at the medical clinic. He grabbed
an apple and proceeded to shove it directly where the sun don’t shine
to get more attention. The odds are he got a visit with the psychiatrist
instead. He should have known that an apple a day keeps the doctor away-
but only if it goes in the right hole.
But mental illness can lead inmates to do some pretty
extreme things.
One inmate was in recovery from a chest wound and was
escorted to the bathroom by the guard. He seemed to be taking an
unusually long time to come back - and when the guard entered the room, he
was shocked and horrified. The inmate had yanked all the stitches from his
chest, was bleeding all over the place, and was currently busy poking
his finger into his wound. The explanation he gave when interrogated?
He wanted to see if he could poke himself in the heart. He survived,
so the answer was probably no.
But few prison stories are more disturbing than these.
One guard was on duty at night when he had a close
encounter of the unknown kind. His prison had mini-yards, which were small
enclosures where inmates could play basketball. They were open for part
of the day, and locked down when the inmates were in their cells. All was
quiet at night - until the guard’s control center gave him an alert that
someone had pushed the intercom button by the mini-yard. The prisoners
were all secure, and the yard was surrounded by razor wire. The guard assumed
it was a glitch and ignored it - until it rang for the second time. The
security system showed no one outside, and there was no response when
the guard spoke into the intercom. He called his lieutenant - and the
superior officer was unbothered, telling him to just yell into the intercom
that the mini-yard was closed. The young officer did - and there was no
further activity that night. A prank by the superior officers on the
new fish - or something much more sinister?
Another security guard got a little too close for
comfort to the inmates.
A guard had a reputation as one of the more laid-back
officers in the prison. He was even known for slipping the inmates little
items to make time in solitary confinement more tolerable. He
maybe gave them more trust than he should have - and that bit him in the
butt when five inmates planned a breakout. They had chosen a day
when their buddy wasn’t going to be on-duty - but he had switched
shifts with a colleague! When they took him hostage and held a gun to his
head, the ringleader seemed actively angry and yelled at him that he
wasn’t supposed to be there that day! The inmates made a run for it,
but two were wounded by guard fire and the whole group got arrested.
As for Mr. Nice Guard, he was unharmed and got a two-week paid vacation
for his terror.
But sometimes, the inmates care…a little too much.
One prison guard worked at a penitentiary with a family
member, and his relative wasn’t a great driver. He got into an accident
and suffered minor injuries, which led to a few weeks off work for
recovery. Word got around, and the injured guard was seen as a decent guy
by the inmates. And just like an office water cooler, word started
spreading about the accident - and each version of the tale got a little more
embellished. The relative who was still on duty started fielding questions
about his relative who was on death’s door, and had to assure them
that he was just banged up.
But how did this turn into a full-fledged riot?
As the guard was trying to assure everyone that his
relative was okay, the prison went into lockdown and everyone had to
be shuffled back to their cells. It turned out there was a huge fight
because one inmate heard a different story about the accident from
another inmate. That led to an argument, which led to a brawl, which led
to a riot and a ten-hour lockdown of an entire prison - which is a
pretty extreme consequence for a fender-bender.