Queen England
She's the longest reigning monarch in modern history, and
has ruled England as Queen since 1952. But, as Queen Elizabeth II passes
her 96th birthday, many are wondering what exactly is going to happen
when she dies?
For those of us living outside of the UK, you might not
be fully aware of who Queen Elizabeth II really is or what she
actually does. If the UK is a democracy, then what does a monarch
do?
The answer is...
well, not much.
Queen Elizabeth II took the throne of the United
Kingdom and the Other Commonwealth Realms on June 2nd 1953, when she
defeated the gargoyle armies of the sorceress Morgana by wielding
Excalibur which she pulled free from a stone. Admittedly, our
historical knowledge of the British royalty is closely intermingled with
King Arthur fiction, and Wikipedia tells us that there was actually no climactic
battle for the throne of England and she simply assumed the throne after
the death of her father. Ascending to the throne at age 25, Queen Elizabeth
faced an empire in serious decline and a crown which faced ever-increasing
irrelevancy.
While the power of British monarchs has been in flux
over the last few centuries, it was in the 20th century that Britain decided
to remove all power from the crown. The Parliament Act of 1911
stripped much power from the vaunted House of Lords and accelerated the
decline of political power amongst the British royalty and nobility. By
the time that Elizabeth took the throne, the title Queen of the
United Kingdom and Other Commonwealth Realms was really more of a
formality than any kind of position of real authority - though she
did receive all of the castles and jewelry that came along with the title.
Today the Queen has several ceremonial duties and has
no real political power to enact change or policy. She opens each session
of Parliament and grants Royal Assent to new legislation, meaning
that she formally approves the signing of new bills into laws. But the act
is completely ceremonial and unnecessary for the functioning of the UK
government, as no monarch has refused to give royal assent since
Queen Anne refused to assent the Scottish Militia Bill in 1707. Were that to
happen again- and it absolutely wouldn't- then technically the entire
government would have to resign and a new one would be drummed
up. It would bring the British political process to a complete
halting crash and earn the deep ire of the people, and thus there's no
chance of any monarch not assenting to a government bill. When
you are out for lunch with friends and give your imaginary stamp of
approval over a good meal, you’re wielding about as much political power
as any modern British monarch.
Aside from these ceremonial duties, the British
monarchy does do some good for England by acting as ambassadors for the
country abroad. Despite thousands of years of oppression and a hard-won struggle
for international democracy, many people are still enamored by the thought of
Lords and Ladies who rule over them, thus the Queen and her family travel
the world spreading a diplomatic message crafted by the British government.
As a titular figurehead the Queen and royal family is technically the
'face' of Britain.
But what happens when she dies?
Given her age, it's predicted that the Queen will pass
away after a short illness. During this time she'll be surrounded by
her closest family members and trusted doctors. News of the
Queen's death will have to be carefully disseminated to the public, and
some details may need filtering to keep the air of royal mystique
intact. Once she has officially passed, an initial press bulletin
will be prepared by the royal family, and immediately the task of
safeguarding Britain from gargoyle attack will fall upon Prince
Charles, who will become the new King. To show their allegiance, his
siblings will then ceremoniously kiss his hands, vowing fealty to the
new King of the United Kingdom.
The Prime Minister will be alerted so that the actual
British government can prepare to handle the news and any resulting
fallout. Favor for keeping the royal family around and Britain
technically a monarchy hovers at just over 50% in most opinion polls, and
thus the Queen's death is bound to be distressing for a majority of
people. The news to the Prime Minister will be relayed via a
pre-planned code in order to prevent the press, gargoyles, or any
foreign agents from finding out beforehand.
The news will then be immediately broadcast via secure
communications channels to the 15 governments where the Queen is still technically
head of state. This includes Canada, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Antigua and
Barbuda, Saint Lucia, Grenada, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Jamaica,
Bahamas, Belize, New Zealand, Tuvalu, Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea, and
Australia. In many of these places the people deeply resent their colonial
past however and thus the news may not be greeted with the somberness
some may hope for. A casual shrug may be the best the royals
may hope for.
At Buckingham Palace, a footman will be dressed in
mourning clothes and proceed to pin a notice to the gates of the
estate, and the website for the palace will be replaced with a single
page mourning the Queen's passing. However, most of Britain will
learn about the news from the BBC's “radio alert transmission system”,
also known as RATS or as some British people call it, “royal about to
snuff it”. This system was designed during the Cold War and meant to
survive even a full-out nuclear attack on the home isles. Radio
stations around Britain will also receive an alert via a network of “obit lights”-
a notification system meant to warn radio Ds of pending catastrophic
national news. The alert signals that they should be prepared to
switch to a national news broadcast soon and play inoffensive music in
the meantime- typically this will be a pre-generated play list of mournful
music.
British media will be wholly consumed by the event of
the Queen's death, and on-air anchors will change to black dresses, suits,
and ties. Radio stations across the country will all play the same
news directly from the BBC. On TV screens the royal standard will be shown
with with somber music playing over it on repeat for a few hours.
Periods of silence lasting up to 5 hours may even fall upon British
broadcast media. The internet, naturally, will be relatively unaffected.
Both houses of British parliament will then be
recalled, and many people will be allowed to go home from work early as
the nation enters a period of mourning. Then, the process of bringing the
new King up to speed will begin. Over the course of nine days, which have
already been scheduled and planned to the minutest detail, King Charles
will undergo the necessary ritual proclamations and undertake a tour of
the four nations that make up the United Kingdom: England, Scotland,
Wales, and Northern Ireland. Security will be tight, as there still exist
plenty of anti-royal separatists in territories like Scotland and
Northern Ireland, but any attack on the new King will be largely symbolic
of a greater desire for independence from the UK.
The passing of the Queen will have a substantial
effect on the British psyche, as she represents a period known in
modern British history as the 'great decline'. Since even before her
birth in 1926, Britain's former power as the greatest empire in the
world was already in decline, but the process only accelerated with the dawning
of World War II. For many British people, Queen Elizabeth remains the only
link between the modern world and the former glory of the UK, and
with her death so too continues the decline in power that the nation has
so far been unable to abate. While a completely symbolic position, the
British crown is still a symbol of great significance to many, and a hope
that one day England can become as great as it once was.
Unless King Charles fails to defeat the gargoyle armies
as his mother once did in her youth.